December 30, 2013

putting it in perspective

{funny how a tap on the screen can totally change a picture}

In many ways, the end of 2013 couldn't look more different than the end of 2012. New state, new home, new jobs, new dishes. Last year was filled with anticipation for several big changes, like a new chapter, or even an entirely new book, in our lives, although at the time we didn't have a clue as to how it would all unfold. This year feels more like a "to be continued" pseudo-ending that's smacked me in the face on the last page of a realllly long book just when I thought I could finally move on and start fresh.

But ask me how I really feel...

New Year's Eve is such a bittersweet time for me- in the hope and excitement of new resolutions, dreams, goals, and plans for the year ahead, I can't help but look back on the lingering loose ends from the past one and think how entirely too fast time flew by. How I wish I could have done better.

I have been quiet on the blog for a few weeks, and inconsistent even before that, as I have wrestled with this thought and others like it, along with personal challenges that have weighed on my heart and mind. I've wondered how much to share in this space and what should stay private, but I didn't start this blog, or the one before it, so I could hide everything away like the diaries I kept secretly stashed where no one would ever find them and read poems about the boys I liked. I want this space to be an honest monologue, from me to you, all of you who stop by here either because we've met in real life or by way of the inter webs, about this one and only life that I'm living. But somewhere in the midst of exploration and exhaustion, discernment and discontent, I've let a lot slip by, and pile up, and  I am paying for it in time spent staring at a blank white screen.

For the most part, 2013 felt like it was on serious steroids- like an adrenaline junkie daring me to call it chicken. Ever since our move back to California life has been in fast-forward. Sure, I could give you a summary of the past few months, but you want juicy details, and I don't know how to dish them up.  I feel like every sentence, every statement I make comes out sounding like it has a question mark at the end, like I'm not even sure if I believe what I'm saying. The reality is that a blog post isn't going to sum it all up, and Rome wasn't built in a day, and you can't dig yourself out of an avalanche with a wet noodle... (what, is that not a saying?) and blah blah blah. But sometimes doors close and chapters end and we just move on and it's quiet and it's ok.

Yes, there are so, SO many great memories from this year (family, friends, road trips, vacations, holidays, and hello! Did you see me standing on that horse in Jamaica?!) but the truth is January 1st has never looked like more of a relief. Fresh starts all around!

My word for 2014 is perspective. I don't know exactly what this is going to look like, but I sure know what it feels like without it. Perspective when the days move faster, or slower, than I'd like. Perspective when the to-do lists don't get done or plans change. Perspective during sleepless nights and long discussions about the future that distract me from the present. Perspective when big moments feel too small and little ones take more than their fair share. 

Perspective on the past, in the present, and for the future.

And peace, to you, 2013. 

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