It has been a whirlwind of a week, or two, or three.....
since they are starting to all blend together in my mind. To say that I feel busy is an understatement, and I'm certainly not looking for bragging rights. I am simply finding myself in a very familiar place of chaos brought on by my own fatal flaw of over-committment. I find myself again staring up through the narrow tunnel I dug myself into, straining for a glimpse of light (read rest) and am not so much shocked by how I've ended up here..... but why.
Why do I lack the capacity to say no? Why do I say yes when I know I shouldn't? Why do I set unrealistic expectations for myself and attempt to stretch the hours in the day to accommodate them all?
I don't like to admit it, but I think I am simply afraid of the word "no". In all honesty, it's not a word I warmly embraced during childhood (save the comments from the peanut gallery) and it is a word that I've stubbornly rebelled against as an adult. No means deprivation, lacking, missing out, falling short, disappointment, and negativity. No is also often followed by one word that distinguishes human reasoning: "why". The problem with saying No, is that if you lack an adequate answer to the subsequent "why", the statement is practically rendered defenseless (Kids, you didn't hear it from me).
"No" needs a good excuse, and if there isn't one, I say "yes" to things I probably shouldn't, by default.
I also know that part of me thrives on the sinful pride that comes from heaping my plate with insane amounts of mashed
potatoes commitments. I like seeing my calendar chock-full of plans for the next several weeks and I like a certain level of chaos that comes from constantly rushing from one place to the next. It's why I couldn't just go to high school or college as a full-time student... but also wanted to work, go to every church event, volunteer for projects, clubs, and internships, and move 4 times while starting out a young marriage, owning our first home, taking care of three pets, and a maintaining a hearty social life. Anything less would be too practical. Seriously, it's pretty sick.
The hardest part about saying yes to so much is that it is never as simple as "yes to good, no to bad". No one thinks too long and hard over going clubbing on a work-night or going on a shopping spree instead of paying bills (if you do, let's talk). It's the "good" things that cause the biggest issues... yes to volunteering, yes to social commitments, yes to more tasks at work, yes to classes and extracurriculars, yes to projects at home, yes to running a household and caring for your family.
I mean, what are you going to say to those....... no??